It's finally here! SPRING!! Hope it is warming up wherever you are!! Here in Utah we have had a fairly mild winter. It has snowed and been terribly cold, but we seemed to have had most of that in December and a little in January. When I say terribly cold, we were below zero for many many days, and if we hit 0, we considered it a heat wave! The good news is we have 90% of the reservoirs filled, snow in the mountains and rain in the valley. I will take it. I am excited to see the buds come alive and dead lawns begin to grow. Spring and Autumn are my favorite times of the year. I love the new growth of Spring and the change of Autumn into Winter to get to Spring. There was a quote I once saw that has always stayed with me, ""When you think of how reluctant to change you are, think of the beauty of Autumn." And that is where my newsletter takes me this week.
I feel like I am starting over AGAIN! Sometimes I feel like you have to just scratch everything and go back to the basics. I have noticed lately, that my stomach has been given me more and more problems. Sometimes eating the smallest of things will just seem to make it E X P L O D E. It comes on with no warning, just some gurgles and alot of gas. Thursday it was worse than ever. I just said "That's it! I can't do this anymore!" I had read a book called "The Feel Good Foods Cookbook." It all sounded promising but I was hesitant. I finally decided I needed to just go for it. One of the things they talk about is "sweeping your gut and eliminate the trigger foods." I am highly suspicious I have intolerances to wheat and gluten, but tests come back as negative. As hard as I tried to stay away, I craved them even more. So now I am trying a different approach and although it is only day two the stomach problems have just about vanished. It seems so crazy the difference in two days. I know it is going to be hard to change my eating habits (And I know I have said this before) but I am not giving up!!
Lately I have thought of my own journey and what it took to get me where I am. I will never forget the morning that changed my life forever!! Amazingly enough when I sat down to write this newsletter this morning, I realized it was the same day that the miracle happened. It was four years ago today my mom passed away. For me it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced and really woke me up to life.
On Friday I got word she was in ICU in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I had mixed emotions and didn't know how I felt because my mom and I never really had a relationship. I had not talked to her in 25 years. But this was my Mom. Why didn't I feel for her like I saw others feel for their moms? On Saturday I got word that she had survived the night, but doctors were surprised. They had called in the family. Sunday was the first time I could tell anyone my mom was in the hospital. The person I told was my friend Shaleen who I had just met on Friday. She said, "Laura if you were never taught to love, or give, or nurture -- how do you know how to do that? I thought about that all day at church and prayed I would know what to do. On my way down the steps going home that day, I can hear it so plainly-- "Talk to her with your heart she will hear you."
On Monday I decided to stay close to home. I grew very tired, said a prayer and had a nap. Instantly I saw myself at a hospital bed and knew it was supposed to be my mom. I did not know her. We said things to each other we were never able to say here on earth. When those words of "I love you" came out that is where it all changed. This big mean voice came and said "I HATE YOU! I JUST HATE YOU!" Something just opened up in me that day and I began to understand. I was told I was here not to be punished, but here for my family and friends to bring them home because I said I could. Flash backs came to me as I remembered small things that all began to make sense. The feeling was like none other I have ever had. I don't know if there are really words to describe it, except peace. And not the peace we feel here on this earth, a different kind. It was like a light bulb went on and I said, "I can do this!" I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't afraid of what others thought. My anger I had at my family, at God, at the world seemed to disappear.
When I saw the ceiling in my room, I cried. I begged to be taken back to where I was but was told "No you have a mission to fulfill." I knew what I had experienced no one would ever believe me and never had any intentions of sharing it. But I also knew I could never deny what I had just experienced. My mom had passed away and I was there. The only thing I was uncertain of was who the lady was that represented my mom. The next day I received another email and the obituary of my mom. I gasped. The picture in the obituary was the same lady in the bed. I knew without any doubt I was with my mom. I know what I saw and I cannot deny it.
I think back to this four years since my mom has left this life and the joys it has brought me. Yes joy. I never got to experience what most daughters do with their parents, but I believe one day I will. I know that it was because I stayed persistent and knew there was more to life than what I had and I was determined to find it.
This past week I got an email from a new cousin. Her family had found my blog on my Moore Genealogy and wrote me. My grandfather and her grandfather Grady were brothers. Grady was the baby and was always a mystery to me. Sherri and I found many similar stories in our lines, especially that of alcoholism. I feel very blessed I never turned down that road. If I did, I don't think I could have made it to this path and the journey I have been on.
Every Thanksgiving it gets very hard for me. That is when it seemed our family fell apart and when alot of tragedies happened. I cry. Because I think of all the choices that had to be made for me to even be here, and yet here I am. It takes a long of change to bring on new growth in one's life. That change is never easy.
I think my biggest change has been my anger, my faith, persistence, acceptance, tolerance...the list goes on. The old saying "everything happens for a reason" I believe to be true. I just know if you want to change to see the beauty of Autumn and the growth in the Spring it starts with you. It starts with one step. We all strive to discover and figure out who we are. I think I did that most of my life. I promise you when you see it, it was worth everything else you had to endure.
Earlier this week I saw a young man with a pink bow in his hair. My first thought was "What the heck?" But almost instantly I heard, "But he is my son." I know the choices I made in my life, my parents were not pleased with but it is who I am. And thanks to my parents they helped me make these choices by the mistakes they made. It is the same in our life. We must live by our choices, both good and bad. Not everyone will be happy. My choices I make I try to do that which is good. There are times when I do have bad thoughts and I must remember not to get caught up in that frame of mind. I have no idea what that young man's journey has been only that he feels wearing a pink bow is making a statement for him.
I love this time of year. It helps me remember how important it is to grow, and to grow we need to rid ourselves of the bad. There are many people in my life I will forever be grateful for. There was Rick Sweeney who told me "I love you" when no one else ever had. Shaleen reminding me, "If you have never been taught how to love, give or nurture how do you know how to do that?" And there is my friend Jay who always believed in me, even when I didn't. Thank you once again to all for your friendship and love. I love the change of Autumn and the growth of Spring...just like my life.
Rick, Me, and Connie 2001 Shaleen and me 2014 Me and Jay 1986